Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Welcome to CHA

*Disclaimer: This is just an imagined scene in my head.  In no way is it real.  It also is meant to be funny, not a cry for help.  I'm still a moderately functioning person.*

Moderator (a short, stocky lady with mousy brown limp hair): Welcome to Couple Haters Anonymous! I warmly welcome you. Share your deepest feelings--we're all friends here. Who would like to go first?

*A quiet shuffling in the room, quick glances up and even faster glances down.*

Moderator: Okay, how about we start clockwise, starting on my right? What's your name?

Bethany: (sullenly) Bethany.

Moderator: (still unnaturally chipper) Okay, Bethany! Let's all greet Bethany.

Other CHA attendees in a dull chorus: Hi, Bethany.

Moderator: Why are you here today?

Bethany: Because I hate couples.

Moderator: Okay...(realizing this new job was going to be a lot more painful than she initially thought). Tell us more! When did this start for you?

Bethany: A little over half a year ago when my boyfriend and I broke up. (beginning to open up more). I can't stand seeing couples--the way they hold hands, walk together laughing, eat together, study together...it drives me KUH-raayyyyzeeeee (she obnoxiously drew out the word "crazy" for effect).

Moderator: O-kay! It looks like we're getting somewhere, aren't we? (She beamed at the circle of empty stares. One person sniffed.)

Bethany: (Her eyes begin to glaze over as she continues.) It's like a green monster emerges from inside me. I can't even be in the same room as couples sometimes! Instead of hanging out with my cousin and her new boyfriend recently, I chose to sit in the playroom with the little kids "watching" them...when I was really just watching The Incredibles. I even take pictures of awkward couples and show them to my friends, smirking on the outside but wishing it was me on the inside... Whenever I see a newly engaged girl, I think inside my head, "Congratulations, you found love!" Sometimes I turn the station from cute love songs on the radio. I can't let myself think of anyone other than friends because I know I'll get disappointed. I serve as the advice-giver of my friends, but really I have no love-knowledge to lean on. I can't think straight when I'm in the presence of PDA...I --

Moderator, interrupting: For those of you who don't know what PDA is, it's an acronym for "public display of affection." Okay, let's continue. Who's next? (at this point her smile started to look plastic.)

Bethany, unfazed, continuing: BYU is the WORST place to be single since it seems like EVERYONE and their dog has a boyfriend! Remember when I said I turn the station? I changed my mind. I actually don't listen to music anymore. I don't watch T.V. or love movies. I only do homework and hang out with my girlfriends. I haven't had a good date in forever. Wait, there's more...I--

Moderator, becoming increasingly flustered: Oh-kayyy!! Thank you, Bethany!! Who. Is. Next. (she said through gritted teeth. Her smile started to melt into a grimace.)

Bethany, beginning to sing in an even louder voice: "The trouble with love is... it can tear you up inside, make your heart believe a lie, it's stronger than your pride..."

The other attendees uncomfortably shifted in their seats...

And that is how a CHA meeting would go. I feel awkward even writing it.

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